It's Where My Demons Hide

The Imagine Dragons song "Demons" is all to real.

It's a song that everyone can relate to on some level whether or not they choose to admit it.

"Don't get too close, it's dark inside, it's where my demons hide"

We all have them and I think the best way to defeat them is to face them

...

I walk past the mirror and I lock eyes with my reflection.

Try as I might I can't look away.

Not until I can see myself correctly, for who I really am and not for what I've done or what's been done to me.

I can't look away.

I'm searching my soul, trying to believe that I'm more than I feel I am in this moment.

The longer I stare the more frustrated I become, because I can't see it, I can't see my soul.

I can't see the good I so long to see.

I want to shout and yell and my reflection "WHO ARE YOU?"

I want to cry but I'm stone faced.

Then all my fears and insecurities come out.

There is a little girl inside me who is scared and lonely.

She didn't grow up like most little girls do.

She was forced into maturity due to situations that were beyond her control.

I should thank her for being so strong, for making it out with the glimmer of faith that she did.

I should thank her for being strong enough to get me to where I'm at today; blossoming into a wonderful woman.

But I don't want to thank her, I want to yell at her.

Why must her past haunt me and make me believe I'm not worth it.

Why can't she believe that I deserve to be loved without conditions.

As I stare I fear all I will ever be is a disappointment.

I'm scared that if someone loves me they will only learn to hate me.

I worry that I will never be able to live up to the expectations I've set for myself and I will fail.

I vow that I will never let someone get close enough to see this side of me, I will never allow someone to love a soul so unworthy as I.

But I can't give up.

I never give up, it's not who I am.

I fought for the light through the dark ages of my life.

Why would I give up now, after I KNOW what it's like to be bathed in the light of Christ's love.

I don't share this to hurt anyone or to gain pity.

I share this because there IS hope.

A perfect brightness of hope in Christ the Savior and Redeemer of the world.

We don't have to sit in the darkness.

We can flick the light switch.

We are not defined by the way we've been treated or what we've been told about ourselves or what we have done wrong in our lives.

We are defined by Christ's view of us, and He loves us even when we are in the darkest pit.

He sees our potential and He knows there is light and goodness in us that is beyond our comprehension.

If we only trust Him, He will lead us to the light, He will wrap us in His arms of encompassing love.

We have to believe that we deserve light, we have to let it in us.

The only way to spread it is to be it.

So if you can't believe that you deserve the light for yourself, let it in you so you can give it to others, and in time you will come to know the love your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for you.

Don't sit in the darkness any more.

It's ok to feel a little scared, but let your faith be brighter than your fear.

Believe and it shall be given unto you.

Hope on.

We Laughed Until We Cried

Have you ever had one of those days when you are just down right slap happy.

You just think anything and everything is funny.

Well I've been having one of those weeks.

So stick around and maybe I will amuse you.

First off I think my giddy disposition came about when the weather started to warm up and the sun began to play peek-a-boo.

Friday just rocked my socks to the grocery store and back because I conquered three tests and then continued to rule my world.

I accomplished EVERYTHING on my to do list, which is a miracle because that NEVER happens, and then I had a bunch of free time.

Kenz and I threw a Frisbee around in the parking lot... until I accidentally stomped on it and crushed it.

"What? A wimpy piece of plastic can't keep structure under my weight and huge muscles?! Odd."

Better luck next time I guess.

Saturday was equally as great.

We went on a hike with some friends and explored a secret place that is only known to Cedar natives.

The afternoon was full of friendship, laughter and the playing of a fun game called Icebox.

Which by the way, I co-won every time!

 Later that night, game night palooka was upon us.
(Palooka is a word I made up that means all things good)

What a crazy blast we had!

The game "Word on the Street" is magnificent!

I recommend it.

Quotes of the night: 

"A cat, ALWAYS a cat."

"Something you burn"

"like I said, a cat. ALWAYS a cat!"

"TOP VIEW! I told you it was the top view"

"I couldn't figure it out, it kinda looked like a puppet to me"

"It was a helmet. TOP VIEW!"

(this was during Telestrations, for some reason people can never guess my pictures. Just call me a modern day Picasso if you will!)

This next thing that I am about to share was the highlight of my night and proof that Kenzie and I think so much alike it is frightening!

In the game Telestrations you draw a picture and pass it to the next person and then they guess what you drew and write it on a separate page and then the next person draws the word. So on and so forth.

Kenzie and I were on opposite sides of the room so there is no way we could have planned this.

When the round was over everyone shared the pictures and guesses and

mine was shared which said, "Harry Potter yo!"

and then a little later Kenzie's was shared and it said "HP Dawg!"

FREAKY FRIDAY right there (even though it was Saturday).

Sunday was fabulous.

Easter is just a good day no matter what!
 The talks and testimonies were incredible and the music was beautiful!

After church, we made a lovely dinner and invited some friends over to enjoy it with us.

We also went for a walk in the...wait for it... SUNNY weather, and then we were able to go to the fireside.

Now for the BEST DAY EVER!

Monday aka April fools day.

I look forward to this day like it's Christmas, Thanksgiving, and my birthday all combined!

I woke up to a note on the mirror that said "good morning beautiful", just to walk out to my car and see that it said "April fools."

Kenzie claims that these notes were not meant to be related.

I played a few minor pranks on people in my classes and then after accounting, I went to the library to meet up with Kenzie and wreak havoc on the place.

We printed posters that said, "Free pizza on the upper quad all day!"

It was so funny to get on Facebook and Instagram and see posts about it!

I asked my music class to raise their hands if they tried to find the free pizza.

A LOT of people fell for it.

I have never laughed so hard.

I was sitting in class with tears literally streaming down my face.

Then to top off the day we booby-trapped our roommate Cami.

We taped up garbage bags and built a barricade of newspaper and confetti between the bags and her door.
Oh. I also pranked Kenzie by putting a rotten banana in her bed.
She absolutely hates bananas with a fiery burning passion of dislike.
This prank is proving to be a prank on myself as well (my room kinda smells funny now).

I woke up Tuesday morning and Kenzie had left me a note that said: "please lock the door when you leave, I don't wanna get pranked."

Now here is the thing, we have never locked our door before, there has never been the need.

I thought the random key on my keychain was to my bedroom door, but I wasn't positive, just pretty sure.

So, as I was getting ready to leave for the day I was a bit hesitant to lock the door, but I pushed the feeling aside and did as I was told.

I got home from school and tried getting into my bedroom just to realize that I had made a very big miscalculation.

Thoughts started rushing through my head:

"lock the door you said. It's a good idea you said.

No Kenzie, locked doors are bad.

Bad, bad, bad!

Because that key I thought was our room key?

Yep, it's not.

Turns out it's my bike lock key!

Jokes on me!

Saint April fools day you are a funny guy!"

The best part about it is I had to go get the apartment manager and he told me he never gave me a room key because none of the doors are supposed to have locking door knobs.

He did find one key that could maybe be it, so we tried it.

Fail.

We stood there looking at each other and he said: "I can get you in there but it'll cost you."

I was thinking he was gonna break the door down and I'd have to pay for a replacement door which would be like $30 or $40.

I thought for a second and asked how much, he said $5.

So very matter factually I said "Ok. Do it. Break my door down."

He laughed and informed me he didn't have to bust the door, just needed some tools.

Which was a good thing and a bad thing for me.

I totally would have loved to see him go Hulk on my door, but that probably would have cost me a lot more money.

So, all in all, it was a hilarious experience and Kenz and I could not stop laughing when she came home and I told her all about it.